Musings of a first-time dad

What to write about parent-hood? Hell I've been at it for less than a week! And with all that's in my head now, this is probably going to end up looking more like a stream of consciousness than anything else.

This time there are so many ramifications to life that I hesitate to even put it in writing. I think the most obvious thing is that I am going to be second-guessing myself all my life from this point on. Oh, sure there are morals and basic guidelines that adapt people to society. You learn them and you can live anywhere where those rules apply, but the deeper teachings, the basic structure is what worries me.

To paraphrase Syun Matsuena, "if you are going to build a castle, you'd better have really strong foundations." So what does that mean? That means that you can teach your kid the ten commandments if you so feel like it, but unless the life you live is an example of how you want them to be interpreted, chances are your child is going to memorize it, but not really understand what you mean.

And I don't want to force a perspective of life on my child, but until he is old enough to make a serious choice of his own, I have to do my best to put things into focus as clearly as possible so that he will understand what his options are. He has to grow up to make up his own mind, and I (we) have the challenging mission of giving him the tools to do so.

Everyone with children wants to teach them certain things.

Some will insist on strong religious beliefs over anything else, while the advocates of reason will procure a way to do things maybe in a more scientific way.

My son will have to deal with "informed" individuals of all sorts. People that claim that salvation (in different guises) will come from their method or system of beliefs, or that he should do this or that to get better results (despite common sense).

He will have to deal with success and disappointment with the same amount of determination, pride and humility.

He will have to learn the diligence and rewards of hard work, both, the type he loves and the type he hates.

Besides basic skills like swimming and whatnot, I have decided that there are at least four things I definitely would want my child to learn if I can inspire some interest in him for it (no point in forcing the issue):

1. I would like him to learn Martial Arts. - Although I won't take him on a 10 year training trip when he hits five, I believe that the discipline and exercise and (obviously) learning to defend himself can only benefit him in the long run.

2. I would like him to love books like I do. - This, mainly because it will open his mind. He doesn't necessarily have to like the type of books that I like, however, IF he lives to be 12 without having read at least 1 book on his own volition I will consider myself an utter failure. I've met waaay too many parents that control what their children read and believe me, I get a bad taste in my mouth (not to mention morally) when I see a mother force a child to "choose" a book that corresponds only with what SHE likes. Way to teach love of literature.

3. I would like him to learn how to act. - He doesn't necessarily need to become an actor per-se, but the skills that you learn in acting make you much more effective at communicating, hell, even selling yourself later on at a job interview!

4. I would like him to learn how to play a musical instrument. - Preferably one he likes (despite the fact that it would be totally awesome to have him play the Ocarina). If I need to explain my reasoning for this, maybe the reader should stop reading at this point.

Chances are, of course, I'll get one or two out of the list, but at least I will have tried! Now I have to think of a way of awakening his interest in those subjects...

Mary Schmich wrote "Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum."

Which is of course one of my favorite quotes ever, but one that know I find myself at a struggle to take to heart. Just like saying "Hakuna Mattata" or "Moumantai" won't sort out feelings of stress every time!

Let's face it, I'm not in the best financial situation as it is. Playing the Lotto is no guarantee of winning and what I want to do is provide for him enough financial stability to make it to his doctorate without having to rely too much on government loans. Heh. Easy right?
Who knows at this point even IF he will want to get a Masters in anything (although with me and his mom being as we are chances are he'll do it) but these are the kind of things that we are facing now.

Him being a boy places him in my playing field, I guess, and I find myself with this apprehension... I'm not afraid to mess up, everyone does at some point, I'm just hoping to do right by him and not mess up too badly.

And yet, when I hold him and look into his eyes, I can't help but feel that there is something that I must do, that I have to be better and wiser and maybe be able to fly like Superman. I'm most likely not the only dad to feel that way, but it is a bit daunting what my mind demands of me in the best interest of a little creature that I helped create. In a way parents are Larger than Life to a newborn, right?

I do wonder what words of wisdom I will have for him as the years go by.

First day of school: "Don't worry kid, it's not as bad as it seems."

First scrapped knee: "No, you are not dying"

First fistfight (hopefully avoided, but if my Martial Arts plan works, I pity the fool that challenges him!): "Now, what DID I tell you about breaking kneecaps?"

First crush, first date... well, it's an endless list, but the point is really about being able to give any advice at all.

Two sources of indirect advise come to mind.

The first being from Tolkien through Gandalf, when he points out that we should "Seldom give unguarded advice, for advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill."

The second source, being again, Mary Schmich: "Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."

A flippant attitude, a moment of not caring, a piece of bad advice and you've basically f****d up.

Returning to the slight rant about the mother that wouldn't let her child choose her own book, that is another thing that worries me. What is too much involvement? What defines the line between guidance and making the choices for someone? I know how I felt when my parents seemed to be more involved than they should have been in my early life... I guess I just need to learn to listen.

All in all I am looking forward to being a dad, but I guess this is my way of admitting to myself that it is not going to be easy, and that my responsibility this time extends way beyond my own person and little universe.